Stinky Blog

Dealing with Changes

The Unavoidable Nature of Change and Coming to Grips with Infinite Possibilities (8/18/2024)

My internship has ended. All in all, it was a wonderful experience. My pockets are heavier and my heart is lighter. It does feel odd to perhaps say goodbye to people who were important to me for merely a summer. Surely they should not have had such an impact on me in the little time they had. I certainly hope they think of me and smile as I do with them. Perhaps, this isn't the end of our interactions, but if it is, I will be eternally grateful for all that they have shown me.

With that out of the way, I wish to steadfastly interact with the community around me as I return to school. I cannot simply sit by as everyone around me experiences living while I merely experience life. However, something about this all fills me with anxiety. There are these deep nerves within me that have been touched. I have been restless for the past few days. As with all of my prior dealing with this feeling, I'm sure that with exposure, I shall become more comfortable.

Although it seems unrelated, I wish to talk about the infinite possibilities that we are given in life. One of my favorite things about video games is that you don't have to stick by your choices. If you regret something, you can always reload. Games also usually have multiple paths and the player has the option to take them all eventually. If only we were as lucky. We get a single route of our own choosing, and as much as we try, we cannot understand the experience of the other routes we could have taken.

I have been on Rushtok as of late and it got me thinking (or maybe even yearning). All of these girls appear so happy with their lives. This isn't to say that I am unhappy, but I wonder how different things would have been if I would have taken that route. I can see a different version of me, perhaps with an accounting or marketing major, living a satisified life with a completely different set of friends. If something as outlandish as the multiverse exists, I hope that version of me is living her best life. For me however, I still need to make the most of the choices I have made so far and have yet to make. It isn't over yet.

Cheese Review

Bourbon Bellavitano and Aged Manchego (7/28/2024)

I'd like to take a break from the past few doom and gloom posts to bring you a more interesting topic: Cheese! I think at a certain age, many people(men especially) start to get the urge to buy specialty cheeses. In this regard, I am no exception. Perhaps the willingness to buy cheeses reflects the urge to settle down, but I can't be to sure about that.

Anyways, the last two times I've been in Kroger the siren call of the specialty cheese has been irresistable and I picked up something each time. The two cheeses I picked up are Bourbon Bellavitano and a 1-year aged Manchego, so I am going to review them.

The Bourbon Bellavitano is the first one I picked up. It is a cheese that has been soaked in bourbon and has an edible rind. The flavor, in my opinion, is particularly strong, but constantly leaves me coming back for more. An interesting thing about this cheese is that it has flavor-packed crystals on the inside of it, which I have never experienced in a cheese, but they are rather pleasant imo. I've been eating it by itself, but I'd imagine it would pair well with a fruit jam or perhaps go well sprinkled atop a dish. I would rank it an 8/10.

The Aged Manchego is said to have a nutty flavor with even caramel notes, which honestly is what intrigued me to buy it. Unfortunately, the rind is not edible like the other cheese. After trying it, I definitely get the nutty flavor, but not the caramel flavor. Perhaps I need to refine my pallete to be able to taste that. It was much more mild than the bellavitano, which could be a good thing. It also was a harder cheese. I think this would probably go well with a stronger flavor, like a dark chocolate or perhaps some wine. I would like to try a non-aged manchego and compare the two. I'd give this cheese a 6.5 out of 10.

I think I will continue to try more cheeses and give my opinions on them. If anyone has any cheese suggestions or comments about the ones I've tried, feel free to lmk!

Lonely Musings

Reflection on Life and how the subconscious affects the conscious (7/16/2024)

I recently had a conversation with a coworker regarding a set of reoccuring dreams I have. In one, I am waitressing at a restaurant. I ask my tables drink order, then leave to get their drinks. It takes me forever to find the drinks and to find their table again. Once I return, the table is empty and the people have left. My second frequent dream is more a theme than a dream itself. I frequently have dreams where I find the perfect item of something. Sometimes it's food, sometime it's an article of clothing, the perfect decoration, a lovely trinket, etc. I always leave to complete another task, often to finish the rest of my shopping, and say that I will come back for it later. I try to return, but I can never find what I wanted again.

Upon hearing this set of dreams, my coworker promtly noted that these dreams involved something being lost or being abandoned. She said it might be a subconscious sign of a fear of abandonment. I brushed it off at the time, but I've been pondering it for days now. I think she may have been on to something. It may tie into that avoidant attachment style I think I have (btw I think that I have been doing a better job of saying what I think). I think this fear may stem from my prior friendships. All of my closest friends in childhood have abandoned me in some way. My first best friend moved schools before I had access to a phone, leading to us not being able to speak. My middle/junior high best friend left me for what she considered cooler friends. The freshest wound however is my best friend from high school.

I don't remember how we became friends, but this girl and I took to each other so swiftly and strongly in high school. She was one of the first people to make me feel like a normal girl, which I will always value. We talked about our problems, our traumas, our dreams and aspirations, and pretty much everything. Even up until the last year or two, she and I were close. I even got to see her married. One day, she just stopped speaking to me. My calls were dodged and my texts left unanswered. That was cool. I thought maybe she was busy and I left her to call me back once she felt ready. That day never came. She missed my birthday, which was deeply hurtful to me. I called her months later in a moment of weakness (it's kind of sad that I refer to her almost in the way others refer to their exes, but I digress). She picked up the phone and acted as if nothing happened. She asked why we hadn't talked, and I couldn't find it in myself to be strong and tell her the truth. I thought this would return us closer to what we once were. How stupid I was. Again I have been left unanswered and ignored.

Not even an hour ago, I saw her post on her story about being the maid of honor in her "besties" wedding. I don't know why, but this filled me with an anger that was swiftly replaced with sadness. I feel replaced. I feel used. In this moment, I have the resolve to never speak to her again. I pray that I have the strength to uphold my own vow. It really makes me want to pick up and start a new life on the whole other side of the country. I know this isn't the answer. I know this is just me wanting to run from my problems again and start anew. There are only so many times you can start anew before it becomes destructive. I think I am on that verge. I don't know what the solution to this is. All I know is that it is a problem for another day. I will be heeding my own best advice of not making any major life changes after 9pm.