To start this post off, I would like to say that I have a wonderful girlfriend who is very good to me. The problem is I don't like her nearly as much as she likes me. Don't get me wrong, I like her. I like being with her, but I don't know if its the attention that I really like. I don't know if I can see us lasting more than a few months.
I've really been pondering on the topic, because if I truly see her that way, I should turn her loose and let her find someone else. On the other hand, I have never had strong feelings towards a single person that I can think of. Perhaps I've felt infatuation or lust, but it is a fleeting feeling and hardly makes for relationship material. On the other hand, we have been together a grand total of a month. I think feelings take time to develop, and maybe I should wait. My plan is to wait for the three month mark. Should I reach that point and have not developed the feelings I feel I should, I'll break things off. In the meantime, I am going to treat her the best I possibly can.
All of this has me thinking, maybe I am a problem. I did some research and I think I may have what is known as an avoidant attachment issues. This is by no means an excuse, just a potential explanation for my various behaviors. I avoid any situations where I could feel rejection, I avoid eye contact, physical affection makes me uncomfortable, yet I yearn for it, and lastly, I am never truly honest about who I am. The majority of the time, I am just unsure of how I truly feel.
I'm going to try to work through these issues. My biggest goal is to stop hiding who I am and what my opinions are to avoid rejection. I am going to try to develop opinions on things, instead of staying numb and neutral. I am going to be open and vulnerable with my feelings, instead of seeing it as weakness. I hope that this is the start of something good. It just all makes me feel like a terrible person.
It's been a hot minute since writing a blog post. School has really taken up a lot of my time. I also moved the blog posts to this format, instead of the accordian style that I was using before. Not sure if I'll keep it, but for now it's a good change.
Lately, I have really been yearning for a simple country life like I've never before. College and living in the big city (or at least big by my standards) has really made me realize how nice it is out in the sticks. I really want a simple house with maybe a rocking chair on the porch, a nice herb garden, and to feel the grass in between my toes again. Don't get me wrong, the hustle lifestyle has it's appeal too. The allure of the shiny and new is near irresistable, and for me, the city lifestyle lead to a kind of freedom I wasn't used to, and for that I am grateful. With that being said, I miss being able to grow whatever I want in the yard, set off fireworks whenever I please, and generally not be bothered. For all of the advancements that we have, it seems to be the simple things that bring the most contentment. I want to be able to grow my own herbs, maybe raise some chickens, and bake some bread. Even greater, I want someone to share that lifestyle with. I just might have to sacrifice the good wifi that the city gives me in exchange for it.
Recently, I've been playing a lot of the game Cyberpunk 2077, so potential spoilers ahead. In the game, there is this concept called an engram. It is essentially a someone's personality and memories uploaded into a digital format. In game, these engrams can be uploaded to a person's body and the body will behave exactly like them. This whole thing has got me thinking about if this were real.
Imagine someone gets an engram of themselves made. They die and the engram of themselves is uploaded to a body. Do they still exist? There is a exact clone and copy of this dead person that fully believes it is them. It would live and function exactly as the person would have in their life. With that being said, would we consider it to be them?
I haven't finished the game, so maybe this gets explored more. If it does, expect more to this post. Idk, I just find it interesting to think about. If anyone has thoughts about this, leave it in my guest book.
This semester I have been faced with a great many projects and assignments to do. Typically my classes consist of test and quizzes that, in my opinion, require much less time and effort, save for perhaps a calculus test. I think I need to figure out how to force myself to work harder whenever it comes to assignments and put it more hours per day.
Another downside to the mostly assignment classes is that they still are required to have a midterm test. In most test and quiz based classes, they force you to study and test your knowledge way in advance. Midterms have steadily snuck up on me and will be quite a beast to handle. I'll survive though.
I recently found out about this sick word 'misanthrope.' It even sounds cool. It is related to 'misandry' and 'misogyny' in of being about the hatred of something, coming from the 'mis/o' root. Unlike the other two, misanthropy is the general hatred of mankind. I think I will use it in my vocabulary now ❤.
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