Stinky Blog

Cheese Review

Bourbon Bellavitano and Aged Manchego (7/28/2024)

I'd like to take a break from the past few doom and gloom posts to bring you a more interesting topic: Cheese! I think at a certain age, many people(men especially) start to get the urge to buy specialty cheeses. In this regard, I am no exception. Perhaps the willingness to buy cheeses reflects the urge to settle down, but I can't be to sure about that.

Anyways, the last two times I've been in Kroger the siren call of the specialty cheese has been irresistable and I picked up something each time. The two cheeses I picked up are Bourbon Bellavitano and a 1-year aged Manchego, so I am going to review them.

The Bourbon Bellavitano is the first one I picked up. It is a cheese that has been soaked in bourbon and has an edible rind. The flavor, in my opinion, is particularly strong, but constantly leaves me coming back for more. An interesting thing about this cheese is that it has flavor-packed crystals on the inside of it, which I have never experienced in a cheese, but they are rather pleasant imo. I've been eating it by itself, but I'd imagine it would pair well with a fruit jam or perhaps go well sprinkled atop a dish. I would rank it an 8/10.

The Aged Manchego is said to have a nutty flavor with even caramel notes, which honestly is what intrigued me to buy it. Unfortunately, the rind is not edible like the other cheese. After trying it, I definitely get the nutty flavor, but not the caramel flavor. Perhaps I need to refine my pallete to be able to taste that. It was much more mild than the bellavitano, which could be a good thing. It also was a harder cheese. I think this would probably go well with a stronger flavor, like a dark chocolate or perhaps some wine. I would like to try a non-aged manchego and compare the two. I'd give this cheese a 6.5 out of 10.

I think I will continue to try more cheeses and give my opinions on them. If anyone has any cheese suggestions or comments about the ones I've tried, feel free to lmk!

Lonely Musings

Reflection on Life and how the subconscious affects the conscious (7/16/2024)

I recently had a conversation with a coworker regarding a set of reoccuring dreams I have. In one, I am waitressing at a restaurant. I ask my tables drink order, then leave to get their drinks. It takes me forever to find the drinks and to find their table again. Once I return, the table is empty and the people have left. My second frequent dream is more a theme than a dream itself. I frequently have dreams where I find the perfect item of something. Sometimes it's food, sometime it's an article of clothing, the perfect decoration, a lovely trinket, etc. I always leave to complete another task, often to finish the rest of my shopping, and say that I will come back for it later. I try to return, but I can never find what I wanted again.

Upon hearing this set of dreams, my coworker promtly noted that these dreams involved something being lost or being abandoned. She said it might be a subconscious sign of a fear of abandonment. I brushed it off at the time, but I've been pondering it for days now. I think she may have been on to something. It may tie into that avoidant attachment style I think I have (btw I think that I have been doing a better job of saying what I think). I think this fear may stem from my prior friendships. All of my closest friends in childhood have abandoned me in some way. My first best friend moved schools before I had access to a phone, leading to us not being able to speak. My middle/junior high best friend left me for what she considered cooler friends. The freshest wound however is my best friend from high school.

I don't remember how we became friends, but this girl and I took to each other so swiftly and strongly in high school. She was one of the first people to make me feel like a normal girl, which I will always value. We talked about our problems, our traumas, our dreams and aspirations, and pretty much everything. Even up until the last year or two, she and I were close. I even got to see her married. One day, she just stopped speaking to me. My calls were dodged and my texts left unanswered. That was cool. I thought maybe she was busy and I left her to call me back once she felt ready. That day never came. She missed my birthday, which was deeply hurtful to me. I called her months later in a moment of weakness (it's kind of sad that I refer to her almost in the way others refer to their exes, but I digress). She picked up the phone and acted as if nothing happened. She asked why we hadn't talked, and I couldn't find it in myself to be strong and tell her the truth. I thought this would return us closer to what we once were. How stupid I was. Again I have been left unanswered and ignored.

Not even an hour ago, I saw her post on her story about being the maid of honor in her "besties" wedding. I don't know why, but this filled me with an anger that was swiftly replaced with sadness. I feel replaced. I feel used. In this moment, I have the resolve to never speak to her again. I pray that I have the strength to uphold my own vow. It really makes me want to pick up and start a new life on the whole other side of the country. I know this isn't the answer. I know this is just me wanting to run from my problems again and start anew. There are only so many times you can start anew before it becomes destructive. I think I am on that verge. I don't know what the solution to this is. All I know is that it is a problem for another day. I will be heeding my own best advice of not making any major life changes after 9pm.

Life Update

Reflecting on things

Hey, it's been a while since I've felt motivated and had the time to work on my website/blog. I've been feeling the urge to work on this, so expect some blog posts this summer.

To start off, I did wind up breaking up with my gf. I thought long and hard about it, and I couldn't see her and I together in the long-term. Because of this, I just cut her loose. I felt incredibly guilty for it at the time and event dealt with the lingering loneliness later. I don't regret breaking up with her though. It was for the best. I truly hope she finds someone meant for her.

On a lighter note, I am in a new city for the summer for an internship. It really has been sooo good for me. The people I work with really are too kind to me. I've always felt I missed the opportunity to feel young and act my age, but really they've enabled me to experience my youth the way I imagined. It's only been about 3 weeks, so I hope the rest of the summer follows as suit. It's definitely better than my average summer experience, where I return home and feel lonely and out-of-control for the summer.

Instead, I feel powerful. I am making good money, living freely, and enjoying life with others. Life is truly what you make it. I hope my future is as good as the present is.

Attachment Styles

Analyzing How I connect with others, April 14, 2024

To start this post off, I would like to say that I have a wonderful girlfriend who is very good to me. The problem is I don't like her nearly as much as she likes me. Don't get me wrong, I like her. I like being with her, but I don't know if its the attention that I really like. I don't know if I can see us lasting more than a few months.

I've really been pondering on the topic, because if I truly see her that way, I should turn her loose and let her find someone else. On the other hand, I have never had strong feelings towards a single person that I can think of. Perhaps I've felt infatuation or lust, but it is a fleeting feeling and hardly makes for relationship material. On the other hand, we have been together a grand total of a month. I think feelings take time to develop, and maybe I should wait. My plan is to wait for the three month mark. Should I reach that point and have not developed the feelings I feel I should, I'll break things off. In the meantime, I am going to treat her the best I possibly can.

All of this has me thinking, maybe I am a problem. I did some research and I think I may have what is known as an avoidant attachment issues. This is by no means an excuse, just a potential explanation for my various behaviors. I avoid any situations where I could feel rejection, I avoid eye contact, physical affection makes me uncomfortable, yet I yearn for it, and lastly, I am never truly honest about who I am. The majority of the time, I am just unsure of how I truly feel.

I'm going to try to work through these issues. My biggest goal is to stop hiding who I am and what my opinions are to avoid rejection. I am going to try to develop opinions on things, instead of staying numb and neutral. I am going to be open and vulnerable with my feelings, instead of seeing it as weakness. I hope that this is the start of something good. It just all makes me feel like a terrible person.

The Simple Things

Yearning for the simple things in life, April 10, 2024

It's been a hot minute since writing a blog post. School has really taken up a lot of my time. I also moved the blog posts to this format, instead of the accordian style that I was using before. Not sure if I'll keep it, but for now it's a good change.

Lately, I have really been yearning for a simple country life like I've never before. College and living in the big city (or at least big by my standards) has really made me realize how nice it is out in the sticks. I really want a simple house with maybe a rocking chair on the porch, a nice herb garden, and to feel the grass in between my toes again. Don't get me wrong, the hustle lifestyle has it's appeal too. The allure of the shiny and new is near irresistable, and for me, the city lifestyle lead to a kind of freedom I wasn't used to, and for that I am grateful. With that being said, I miss being able to grow whatever I want in the yard, set off fireworks whenever I please, and generally not be bothered. For all of the advancements that we have, it seems to be the simple things that bring the most contentment. I want to be able to grow my own herbs, maybe raise some chickens, and bake some bread. Even greater, I want someone to share that lifestyle with. I just might have to sacrifice the good wifi that the city gives me in exchange for it.

Random Cyberpunk Thoughts

Thoughts on Cyberpunk, personhood, and the concept of Engrams, Mar 6, 2024

Recently, I've been playing a lot of the game Cyberpunk 2077, so potential spoilers ahead. In the game, there is this concept called an engram. It is essentially a someone's personality and memories uploaded into a digital format. In game, these engrams can be uploaded to a person's body and the body will behave exactly like them. This whole thing has got me thinking about if this were real.

Imagine someone gets an engram of themselves made. They die and the engram of themselves is uploaded to a body. Do they still exist? There is a exact clone and copy of this dead person that fully believes it is them. It would live and function exactly as the person would have in their life. With that being said, would we consider it to be them?

I haven't finished the game, so maybe this gets explored more. If it does, expect more to this post. Idk, I just find it interesting to think about. If anyone has thoughts about this, leave it in my guest book.

College Rant

Complaining about Classes, Feb 26, 2024

This semester I have been faced with a great many projects and assignments to do. Typically my classes consist of test and quizzes that, in my opinion, require much less time and effort, save for perhaps a calculus test. I think I need to figure out how to force myself to work harder whenever it comes to assignments and put it more hours per day.

Another downside to the mostly assignment classes is that they still are required to have a midterm test. In most test and quiz based classes, they force you to study and test your knowledge way in advance. Midterms have steadily snuck up on me and will be quite a beast to handle. I'll survive though.

Word of the Day

Word of the Day: Misanthrope, Feb 18, 2024

I recently found out about this sick word 'misanthrope.' It even sounds cool. It is related to 'misandry' and 'misogyny' in of being about the hatred of something, coming from the 'mis/o' root. Unlike the other two, misanthropy is the general hatred of mankind. I think I will use it in my vocabulary now ❤.